Marital Status Denial

I grew up thinking if you weren't married, you were single, and if you weren't single, well, you were married.

Silly me.

The world is full of people who are not married, but who are unwilling to admit that they're single. They have lots of rationale behind their denial. Here are the big ones:

I'm not single, I'm just not married yet.

I'm not single, I'm dating someone.

I'm not single, I'm looking...sometimes actively.

I'm not single, I have kids.

I'm not single, I'm divorced.

I'm not single, I'm widowed.

Really? Does your 1040 have all those boxes? Mine doesn't. You can tell the IRS that you're single, but you can't tell anyone else?

There's obviously genuine pain behind the denial in many of these cases. I understand that sometimes people deny that they're single because they don't feel single. But I don't believe that singleness really has a feeling. Loneliness has a feeling, but singleness and loneliness are not interchangeable terms. Some of the loneliest people in the world are married.

Often I think people deny their singleness because they're afraid of how others will see them if they admit to singleness. It's not just in the church that people sometimes think singleness is something that needs to be fixed. It's in our culture, too, even a culture where the percentage of single adults is quickly approaching 50%.

A lot my readers are married. When you run into a single friend, how often is your first question along the lines of, "So are you seeing anyone?" Do you have any idea about the message you're sending when that's your first question? You're telling your friend that their value is found in another person.

I wish I had bookmarked the comment so I could put the link here, but I saw something a few months ago a woman had written about that line of questioning. She said when she was younger, people would ask, "Who are you dating?" Then it became, "Are you seeing anyone?"  Later it became, "Have you met anyone yet?" Now it's more like "Wow, cute shoes!"

While I didn't write that, I do seem to get complimented on my shoes a lot. You know what? It's liberating to reach the point in life where you don't feel apologetic about singleness. And it's always nice to be complimented on cute shoes.

Delusions of Courgardom

I understand that Oklahoma has 17 endangered plant and animal species, not counting middle-aged single Christian men. Maybe there are lots of them out there, but it appears that they're in hiding.

Those that aren't in hiding tend to down-age. There's a large single adult ministry in town that recently did away with age groups. Word on the street is they did it because they couldn't keep the 50-year-old men out of the 30s class. I believe it because 50-something guys were around when I was in my 30s, too. These guys will insist that they "really identify more with the 30s group." Yeah, right. Here's a news flash, guys. That 30s group doesn't really identify with you.
 
Over the last year, I've had a couple of conversations about the formula that is supposed to identify the youngest age you could "appropriately" date. You divide your age in half and add 9 (or 7, depending on the formula.) The most recent conversation on this topic was with a 32-year-old explaining why a 20-year-old was too young for him to date. He pointed out that she didn't meet the half-your-age-plus-9 rule, which would make 25 the youngest age socially acceptable for him.

I immediately said, as I always do when this half-your-age-plus-whatever business comes up, "You know, that rule doesn't work for women." Even as the words came out of my mouth, I thought of the shortage of middle-aged single men and for just an instant, delusions of cougardom danced in my head.(Yeah, as if I were cougar material.)

But even before I did the math, my delusions began to evaporate. For the record, 34 is my bottom number if the +9 rule prevails.

I'm more controlled by conversation than math in this area. I don't think it's asking too much for a guy to have his own firsthand memory of the moon landing. That makes about 5 years difference the most I could ever go, assuming such an opportunity were to ever present itself.

It's not that I want to have conversations about the moon landing, mind you. Although, now that I've brought the topic up, the guy in question would need to believe the moon landing actually took place. No nutty conspiracy theorists for me. Go right ahead, call me picky.

I still wondered about that 34-year-old. I started to look up the Beloit Mindset List for the year a 34-year-old would have started college. That's the list that tells the rest of us how old we are based on how much a college freshman doesn't know. But the list didn't begin until 1998, 4 years after the 34-year-old would have been a freshman. So let's see, a 34-year-old would have been born in 1976... Yikes! How can someone born in 1976 even be over 18, much less in his mid-30s?

A guy born in 1976 most likely doesn't remember the Iran hostage crisis, Jonestown, the Reagan shooting, or a Supreme Court made up entirely of men. He doesn't know what it was like to have just 3 TV stations, or for that matter, black and white TV.

I can accept not having an answer to "Where were you when you heard that John Kennedy had been shot?" but John Lennon? The average person born in 1976 couldn't answer that one either because they were only 4 when he died. He never heard Huntley and Brinkley say goodnight to one another at the end of the newscast, and he didn't hear Carol Burnett sing "I'm so glad we had this time together" as she tugged on her ear. He's probably totally baffled by the appeal of Mary Tyler Moore.

He wouldn't know what it was like to live in a country where races were segregated in almost every area of life, so the racial unrest of my childhood would be a mystery to him.

Most likely, he would not be able to remember a time when it was uncommon for unmarried couples to live together openly, so moral issues that are black and white to me, might be much more vague to him.

The irony, of course, it that we all know that there are lots of men my age who wouldn't think twice about dating a 34-year-old woman, which is why down-aging comes so easily to them. Granted, conversation isn't necessarily a top priority on a man's list, but at some point, you want to know you have enough in common to carry on a conversation.

Here is perhaps a more sobering thought for men and women alike about this half + 9 nonsense. How old is the person who uses the formula to come up with 50 as the youngest socially acceptable age to date?

82.

Now you know how the 30-somethings feel.

We All Mean Well

When my pastor came 10 years ago, my first words to him were, "Always remember, we mean well." He laughed so I knew that he got it. And while we do mean well - most of the time - sometimes we mess up, despite our best intentions. And so do our pastors. (Let me make it clear up front that this post is not about my current pastor.)

In my previous post, I included the link to Jon Acuff's blog about Being Single During Christmas at Church. I posted a comment to that post, and I thought it was worth mentioning here.

This was my comment:

At times in the past when my church was called to fast, a pastor would say something like, "If you're married, you can fast from sex." Did I mention that these fasts were only ONE DAY long? If a married couple giving up sex on a given Wednesday counts as a fast, then I won't need to fast for a long, long time.

The pastor who made the suggestion was much more sensitive than the comment implies. Really, I know he meant well. He went on about why abstaining from sex (for a day) would be considered fasting.

But it did seem silly. As he spoke, I found myself doing the math in my head - and I'm not much on math. How often does the average married couple have sex? A couple of times a week? What are the odds that Wednesday is, well, a regular event for them? Gee, wouldn't Tuesday be a better mid-week night, what with choir and all?
And even if Wednesday is engraved on the calendar for them, if they fast from sex on Wednesday and it's that bloomin' hard for them, wouldn't they just switch to Thursday?

So the couple of times that we were asked to fast on Wednesday, I skipped dinner. Of course, I don't usually eat dinner during the week anyway so I figured that was fair. After all, if giving up sex for a day can make you holy, then I'm covered for a long while.

Ordinary People

I posted a link to Stuff Christians Like a few months ago. Jon Acuff writes on everything you could possibly think to make fun of in the church, and his readers voted the post on Surviving Church as a Single as one of the favorites from 2009 - there are nearly 400 comments on that post. This week he posted a new one on Being Single During Christmas at Church. Many of the 200+ comments (so far) are as funny as his original post.

While there is no end to things the church does that singles can find humor in, there are others that are not as easy to laugh off. Those of us who have never been married and who have been in the church for awhile generally learn to see past many of the things that can be difficult for single adults to deal with during the holidays. I cringe though, when I think of those who aren't as accustomed to dealing with a certain level of cluelessness in the church.

I wrote two different versions of a post addressing what I see as my own church's greatest failing in this area. I deleted the first one and decided the second one could be posted after Christmas. I told myself that if I waited until after Christmas then maybe those involved wouldn't take it so personally. But now it's after Christmas, and I'm not sure I want to post the second version either.

It's not as if it hasn't been brought up in the past. There was even a fair degree of progress. But this year, it seemed that we took a giant step backwards and regressed to our old ways. So each of the four Sundays before Christmas, I took a deep sigh and hoped we didn't have any single visitors. Yep, for the four consecutive Sundays of Advent, I hoped that those looking for hope would go somewhere other than my own church.

It's not the tradition itself that is bad. On the contrary, it is designed to point people to the hope of Jesus Christ. Instead, it comes off like a scene from Ordinary People, as we seem to pretend that we have nothing but perfect, traditional families.

I don't know when the tradition began. I don't remember it from my childhood, so I assume it started during my extended break from organized religion, that period from roughly 14 to 31. I know when I returned to church as an adult struggling with singleness, the tradition was firmly entrenched, and it ripped my heart out every Sunday. Instead of pointing me to Jesus, it reminded me of what I so desperately wanted but didn't have. Each Sunday I returned, thinking I could deal with it, and instead, I found myself wishing I had stayed home. It was only after Christmas, in the cold days of January, that I could make it through a worship service without feeling bad about my own life. While the tradition no longer has the impact on me that it once did, I can't help but wonder about others who come to church each December, hoping to find comfort and hope.

I know how it affected me. I later learned that the tradition had a similar effect on a young child whose parents were divorced. I can only imagine how it affects the family who has lost a father or mother, or the couple struggling with fertility issues, or the older couple estranged from their adult children and the grandchildren they have never seen. I wonder about the impact on the homeless who slip into the worship center for an hour of calm in the midst of the storm of their lives, and it breaks my heart to imagine the impact on those who have watched a child die or suffered through the pain of miscarriage.

Why does the tradition continue? Because those of us who spend our lives inside the church forget what it's like to be on the outside. We forget what loneliness feels like. We forget that just because we've always done it that way doesn't mean that we have to keep doing it that way. Most of all, we forget that keeping Christ in Christmas isn't a bumper sticker - it means reaching out to all of us who don't have perfect lives -- the world  -- because that's exactly who Jesus came for.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16

The Most Wonderful Time of Year!

I know a lot of singles who don't see the point of decorating for Christmas. They think it's just too much trouble. I disagree.

I don't always put a tree up, but I always decorate. I can't imagine not decorating. Actually, I can imagine not decorating, and that's precisely what makes me do it. I've been listening to Christmas carols on the radio since Halloween, but still, it doesn't feel like Christmas until my house looks like Christmas.

I understand that some singles feel lonely putting the tree up alone, but years ago, I realized that most of my married friends decorated by themselves. Oh, sure, their families would help decorate the tree, but the kids would lose interest long before it was finished, and the dads were usually not that interested to begin with. And no one wanted to take the tree down, so my married friends got to do that by themselves, too. And the truth is, while they may have had visions of the family helping, they knew it was easier when they did most of the work themselves. It was faster, less messy, fighting was eliminated, and they got to set everything up the way they wanted it. Once I figured that out, decorating the tree was a lot more fun for me.

I really intended to put my tree up this year, but as often happens, the clock ran out on me. It takes a long time to gather everything together, unpack it all and put it into place. I never found that block of time this year. But yesterday, December the 21st, I decided the tree wasn't going to happen but it still wasn't too late to decorate. I got out the stuff that was easy to get to, spent an hour or so putting that up, and discovered it was enough. My house feels like Christmas now.

Lights on the wreath give me something to plug in and light up the living room. =)

My cats think the greenery on the banister is almost as much fun as a tree.

Some of the ornaments that didn't make it onto a tree can still brighten my dining room table.

More ornaments made it to the chandelier.

And there's a retro tinsel tree, so I'm not totally tree-less. ;-)

Instead of listening to the random radio Christmas carols I've been listening to, this morning I pulled out the Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra CD and listened to the carols I grew up with, remembering the excitement of Christmas trips to Fort Worth to visit relatives on both sides of the family. Relatives who I can only visit in my memories now, memories that put me in the mood for Christmas, once again. I can feel the excitement looking forward to seeing those who are long gone, and the excitement of waiting for Santa. Along with those feelings of Christmas past, I begin to feel the excitement of Christmas present, and Christmas future. Now that I'm beginning to feel more like Christmas, I think I might have some friends over before New Year's.

If you haven't decorated, it's not too late. Get your stuff out and make your house feel like Christmas! Then get out the hot chocolate and play your favorite Christmas music and thank God for this time of year when we stop long enough to remember the miracle of God coming to earth in the form of a baby, to live among us, to know what it is to live in a human body, to feel human emotions, and to grow up to give His life for us. How can any of us feel lonely when there is a God who loves us that much?

Make the most of this Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of year!

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Let me make this clear: 

• Santa Claus is about children.
• Rudolph is about children.
• Frosty the Snowman is about children.
• Christmas is about One child, who came down from Heaven in the most amazing way to save the world, which is even more amazing.

Now that we've established that, one of my favorite Christmas rituals used to be watching the preschool choirs perform at church each December. I admit that I loved it because the kids made me laugh. Preschoolers can always be counted on to do something that older kids know isn't appropriate, from wardrobe malfunctions to hamming up their performances.

I remember a year when I was feeling particularly stressed and depressed as the holidays came closer. One Sunday, I was at church for hours of rehearsals for this mammoth Christmas production we used to do. We took a break so those who were involved with the children's choirs could go upstairs for their Christmas program. Some left for dinner but I went upstairs to watch the kids. I wasn't disappointed.

There was one 4-year-old boy who stole the show. He was towards the back, and yet he performed as though he was the only one there. He waved, he bowed, he may even have picked his nose. He sang louder and with more enthusiasm than all the other kids put together, as if he were the soloist and the rest were his backup singers. The fact that he was singing in front of a crowd in the sanctuary didn't faze him. The fact that we were starting to chuckle, and then giggle, and then laugh out loud didn't faze him. He was singing his heart out for Jesus.

I started laughing early on. During Away in the Manger I laughed so hard that tears began to stream down my cheeks. I couldn't stop laughing but I didn't care. And you know what? The stress I had been feeling began to melt away. I didn't feel depressed anymore. For the first time that year, I began to look forward to Christmas.

They say laughter can heal. Studies show that it boosts our immune systems, boosts our energy, and diminishes pain. Laughter reduces stress, and when people share laughter, it creates a bond. I have no doubt that God enjoys a laugh now and then, and he especially enjoys the sound of our laughter.

That was the last year that the preschool kids sang in big church. I'm not sure what the reasoning was, exactly. Maybe it was felt that a laughing congregation missed the point of Christmas, but we're Southern Baptist for crying out loud. (Although come to think of it, I guess there are a number of theological points that we may have missed along the way so maybe that's a valid point after all. Hmmm.) Maybe there was a fear kids would be traumatized by adults laughing, but I'm sure people laughed at choirs I sang in, but I don't have any lasting effect. (Gee, I wish my eye would stop twitching.)

All I know is that the teachers began inviting parents and any of the rest of us who wanted to hear them to their classes. I went a couple of times, but it wasn't the same.

I was reminded how much I miss the preschoolers during this year's Christmas program. The first graders and older sang, and they did a fabulous job. But despite a couple of wiggly boys, by first grade, kids are generally a little too inhibited, a little too practiced, a little too perfect.

I want to hear preschoolers sing in big church again. I can't help but think that Jesus wants to hear them sing in big church, too. And I bet he'll be chuckling along with the rest of us.

Self-Centered or Self-Sufficient?

About 10 years ago, the women's ministry at my church decided to start a mentoring program. They kicked it off with a weekend event and brought in a speaker who was over the women's ministry in her church in Texas.

There was a decent turnout of single women, which was kind of unusual for women's ministry events. My table was full of single women, all either approaching or past 40 at the time. I’m not sure our women’s ministry has seen such a good turnout of singles since. Small wonder, although any negative response was entirely due to the speaker.

During the Friday night talk, she told a story about a woman she had counseled before marriage. The bride-to-be was in her late 30s, and what the speaker had told her was something like, "If you haven't gotten married by now, you shouldn't get married at all because by this age you're too self-centered for marriage."

There was nervous laughter around the room, which the speaker didn’t seem to pick up on. She also failed to notice the expressions on the faces of the women at my table, which were evidently priceless because all around the room, women were craning their necks to get a look at us. Some were leaning so far back in their chairs to see our reactions that I was concerned for their safety. The reaction of these women was not offensive – it was more of a validation that they were sensitive to the insensitivity of the speaker’s comment.

Throughout the talk, the woman had also made some off-hand comments about the divorced that were not especially flattering. As the evening concluded, the woman from our church who had organized the event (who was divorced herself) came to our table to apologize. Evidently she also expressed a concern about the comments to the speaker because the Saturday morning session began with an apology. I’m sure the speaker felt awful that she said things that made people uncomfortable, but I didn’t get the feeling that she thought her opinion was mistaken.

What brought this uncomfortable weekend to mind? A never-married friend from high school sent me a link to a study on the emotional well-being of singles over 40. It wasn’t news to either of us, but it might have been to that speaker who seemed to think single women have an expiration date.

Authored by Jamila Bookwala, an associate professor of psychology at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa, the report was published in the Nov. 30 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Among other things, the report discusses why some singles never marry, and you know what? It doesn’t mention self-centeredness at all. It does suggest that many singles develop a self-sufficiency that may make marriage less likely.

As for emotional health, the report indicates the never-married single might be doing better than our married counterparts.

Not surprisingly, an important factor in scoring well on emotional health is the presence of social resources…relationships with family and friends. If you’re not connected to family, or to a group of people who fill the role of family, you need to be. It can make all of the difference in the world.

As for self-sufficiency, I would suggest that for followers of Christ, it’s not so much self-sufficiency that we learn from our singleness as it is a reliance on God to provide all that we need, from figuring out how to fix the toilet to developing meaningful relationships in our lives. And no matter how many relationships we have, the one that makes the biggest difference in our lives is the one we have with Jesus Christ.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. –
Philippians 4:13

You Never Know

Twenty-one years ago, I went to California for the wedding of a friend from high school. The wedding coordinator kept saying she loved "older" couples.

Older? The bride was 29.

Twelve years ago, I went to Edmond for the wedding of a friend from Sunday school. The bride was 30, and I was 38. I was seated between two men, both over 40 and never married.

At one point, the minister, who had known the groom since college, turned to him and said, "we prayed for this woman to come into your life for ten years." The line struck me the same way it struck the men on either side of me, but only one of us voiced the thought...right at that moment. Under his breath, I heard the guy on my right say, "Ten years? Big deal."

Did I mention that we had somehow found ourselves seated on the groom's side of the church?

I struggled not to laugh out loud.

The guy who spoke up did get married a couple of years later, and now has two adorable sons. I couldn't help but remember that wedding in Edmond this past Saturday, as I attended the wedding of his sister. (To simplify matters, for the rest of this post, the guy who spoke up shall be referred to as BoB - Brother of the Bride).

The bride for this wedding - BoB's sister - was over 50. The groom's granddaughter was the flower girl. I'm sure the coordinator from the California wedding would have been downright ecstatic over this couple. They knew exactly what they wanted, and what they didn't want, and it was one of the best weddings I've ever attended.

One of the things the bride wanted was for her nephews - BoB's two sons - to serve as bell ringers, walking down the aisle just before she entered. After struggling not to laugh out loud at the "Ten years?" comment 12 years ago, I got to laugh out loud with the rest of the guests Saturday night as BoB's two sons walked/ran down the aisle at breakneck speed, ringing the bells to herald the bride's imminent entrance. It was one of those moments when I thought how nice it would have been if BoB could have known 12 years ago that his prayers would eventually be answered affirmatively.

At the reception, BoB sat down to visit at my table and I reminded him of that other wedding and the comment he had made. He shrugged his shoulders and grinned as he said, "You never know."

He's right, of course. None of us knows what the future will bring, and yet well-meaning people will often tell you that they "know" what your future will look like. It's usually loosely based on their own lives. But here's the thing. God isn't a home-builder who builds the same identical house over and over again with minor changes. He builds custom homes, and no two are exactly alike.

The life of my friend who married at 29 isn't the same as the life of my friend who married at 30, and neither of their lives is anything like the life of my friend who got married last weekend. And none of their lives has been like mine.

We get into a trap when we start comparing our lives with those of our friends and family. Sometimes it can begin to feel like a prison as we wallow in self-pity. That's not the life God planned for any of us. It can sound trite, but the truth is, if you're not happy single, you won't be happy married. Embrace the life God has given you...because He planned it just for you.


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Single Heroes...and Heroines...of Our Faith

In our focus on marriage and family in today's church, we often overlook single adults in the Bible, from Old Testament prophets to the New Testament's early church leaders. Check out this Beliefnet quiz to see how much you know about Successful Singles in the Bible. There are only 10 questions, so it doesn't begin to cover everyone who was single.


Have you ever thought about the marital status of any of these people?

As long as we're on a Biblical theme, aside from Mary and Joseph, or perhaps Pontius Pilate and his wife, can you think of a married couple with whom Jesus interacted? It seems to me that Jesus met people where they were as individuals, not as a unit. That's still where He meets us.

So how did you do on the quiz?

Don't You Have Lots of Free Time?

Years ago, one of my single friends overheard a conversation between a former staff member and an older church member. The staff member was recruiting volunteers for an annual event and the older woman said words to the effect, "Make the singles do it. They don't do anything."

Excuse me?

This older woman had no idea what "the singles" were doing. If she had looked, she would have seen us in the choir, in the orchestra, in children's Sunday school classes and working in countless other ways around our church.

And, oh yeah, we have lives.

A few years later, I was in a meeting with other leaders from the single adult ministry, and a representative of the youngest single adult class repeatedly implied that the rest of us were "sedentary."

Excuse me?

This younger woman had no idea what the "older" (30+) single adults were doing. If she had looked, she would have seen us on mission trips, working at the food bank, leading adult Bible studies, Preschool worship, and children's choirs.

And, oh yeah, we have lives.

My friend in the first example has a servant's heart. But the implication that "singles don't do anything" irritated him to the point he started thinking about all that he did. He began to think about all of the things singles have to do for ourselves - aside from all of the areas where we serve within the church or the community. He pointed out that there are no gender roles for single adults - we do it all:

• Laundry
• Grocery shopping
• Cook
• Clean the dishes
  
• Deal with the trash
• Housework
• Yardwork
• Car repairs
• Pay bills
• Drop off / pick up dry cleaning
  
• Home repairs and upkeep
• Shop for birthday and special gifts
• Wrap the gifts
• Buy cards for every occasion
• Take care of pets
• Work fulltime - often more than one job
• Volunteer
• Entertain...when we can find the time and when the house is reasonably clean
• And on, and on...
  

You get the point. No wife, no husband, just one person to do it all, and still try to leave the time and energy to maintain relationships with family and friends. 

When the holidays come, pressure is added. We still have to do all the things that we do the rest of the year, but add all of the extra things that are squeezed into the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We look at the calendar and wonder how we'll get it all done. There are years when I never find the time to put my tree up. Last year I got as far as putting my (mercifully pre-lit) tree in my living room, but never decorated it. (Now you know why I used to look forward to spending Thanksgiving alone.)

Having said all of that, it's tempting to say "Sorry, my plate is full" when asked to squeeze in one more thing each December. I want to say, "Thanks, but no thanks, December is just for me this year," or at the very least, I dream of having the time to nestle all snug in my bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.

But I always relent, because I know that St. Francis of Assisi was right, that "it is in giving that we receive."

It doesn't matter if you're married or single, you are blessed when you bless others. Decorating the tree can wait. Allow God to use you this holiday season...because it's not about you.

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke 12:48b

Mind Games

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Millions of us have an image of the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving painting in our heads, and for many, it’s a picture that raises expectations that will not be met.

An article in Sunday’s paper talked about the pressure caused by that one painting. Everyone wants to imagine a happy family filled with gratitude gathered around a table surrounded by love. Yet, even in the best of families, reality doesn’t always line up with the picture in our heads. Apparently Norman Rockwell had a problem with the painting himself, because rationing was in force at the time and he worried that the abundance represented was a little unseemly.

Those of us who are single have images in our heads of what marriage looks like. Mostly the images are formed by our own life experience, or couples we know, or even fictional couples from an unrealistic Ward and June Cleaver to a totally dysfunctional Brie and Orson Hodge.

Sometimes the images come in the form of a sermon illustration. There was one awhile back, where my pastor talked about an older couple he knew. As he told the story, I looked around and noticed the impact the story had on people around the worship center.

The couple he talked about had reached a point in life where they were separated for health reasons. The wife needed nursing care, and the husband was still able to live fairly independently. My pastor took the husband to visit the wife, and as they were leaving, the husband bent over to kiss his wife. My pastor talked about how, in that one kiss, he could picture images of their life together. He could imagine their first kiss. He could imagine the kiss when the wife greeted her husband as he returned from war. I looked around and saw choir members starting to wipe tears from their eyes. I could see people in the balcony reaching for tissue.

At the same time, I was picturing a specific couple. My earliest memory of this couple was when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, and although they were around the age I am now, in my 7 or 8-year-old mind, they might as well have been 100. I could see the wife standing in line for Wednesday night dinner, and turning to talk to her children, who were probably in high school at that point. The memory was so strong that I could smell the rolls that I somehow associate with this woman, perhaps because Wednesday night dinner was where I usually saw her. As I continued to listen to my pastor, I could see the wife, with graying hair, wearing a starched white blouse buttoned to the neck, with a straight skirt that went a few inches below her knee, and shoes that could only be described as sensible. In my mind’s eye, I could see her husband joining the family as he arrived at church from his office, dressed as he was nearly every time I saw him, in a coat and tie.

My pastor was now telling us he could picture the kiss the couple he was talking about shared when their first child was born.

I was picturing twin beds and wondering if the children of the couple I was thinking about could be adopted.

My pastor went on with the story and I saw many women in the choir give up on wiping the tears away to just let them flow, as some of the men stared intently at the floor. Marital status didn’t seem to make a difference – married, widowed, never-married, or divorced – their faces were reflecting the emotions they felt as listened to the story.

It began to dawn on me that we were seeing different mental images.

Depending on where they were in life, some were seeing something like this…

Others were seeing this…

Or maybe this…

I was seeing something more like this…

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of these images. A couple that shared a life together, filled moments of passion and moments of sheer drudgery. Moments of pure joy, and moments of intense pain. Moments of laughter, and moments filled with the mundane.

Moments that we all have, whether we’re married or single.

It’s easy to look at couples, imagining that their lives are perfect, and wonder why we can’t have that. But there are also married couples who look at other couples with the exact same feelings, thinking they’re missing something. And there are some who are married who look at those of us who are single and imagine our lives to be something that’s not based on reality either, wondering why they can’t have what we have.


The trick for both married and single, is to learn how not to be distracted by what we don’t have, and to just be grateful for the life that God has given to each of us.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Fixation Pauses

When I was in high school, I took Rapid Reading as an English elective. The teacher was just about everybody's favorite teacher. She was one of those teachers who could bring any topic to life. When she started teaching Rapid Reading, she hit garage sales to pick up as many cheap paperbacks as she could. She used those paperbacks to teach us the process of using your finger to lead your eyes quickly down a page, taking in all of the important information and learning to weed out the meaningless.

Over time, she began to notice a lot of fixation pauses. That was when a student would quit running his or her finger down the page and start to take in every single word. It turned out that our well-meaning teacher had picked up a bunch of Harlequin Romances thinking they would provide mindless reading. What she didn't realize was that Harlequin was just starting to venture into the territory of soft porn. Oops. If that happened today, I'm sure there would be cries for the teacher to be fired. People would claim she was leading young people into sexual activity. But the truth is, nobody in my class started having sex because they were reading Harlequin Romances. Those who were sexually active were influenced far more by their peers than by anyone or anything else.

I was reminded of that when I saw an article in this morning's paper about a speaker who believes "American teenagers are being kidnapped and brainwashed by an electronic culture with values their parents would never accept." He's blaming Hollywood but I think he's wrong.

You see, it seems to me that people are influenced far more by the behavior of people they actually know than by what they see on TV, or in a movie, or the music they listen to. I believe that it's the lack of morality among too many Christians that is the biggest problem our culture faces. Too many Christians who have extramarital affairs. Too many Christian couples who live together before marriage to save money for a church wedding. Too many single Christians of all ages who are sexually active, and their kids know it, their partner's kids know it, and their neighbors' kids know it. Too many Christians who fill their Facebook pages with all the right words, but their lives with all the wrong behavior. 

We're causing fixation pauses for those who are watching us, and who stop to take in the behavior that doesn't fit what we claim to be. When we're not blaming Hollywood for the lack of morality in our culture, we're trying legislate the behavior that we think everyone else should follow. But the truth is that if we, as followers of Christ, would follow the teachings we know to be true -- instead of manipulating the words to fit our desires -- we would have the power to change the culture through the example of lives lived as Christ taught us to live. 

So when are we going to start?